Thursday, 9 December 2010

What Shall I Preach To You, Doll Rubber?

SEVERE WARNING: Parents who are under twenty-one years of age, must be accompanied by precocious children when reading this. If you are unfamiliar with the Urdu language, decoding my subtle jokes is impossible.

It is indeed a beautiful frog anthem; notice the slow beat provided by a chorus of ribbiting and croaking frogs. Composer Madam Mohan caught and trained the amphibians and had the legendary Muhammad Rafi turn this song into a classic.

I like neither Nutan’s antics nor Shekhar’s (male lead) gestures. Right from the beginning of this picnic in a jungle (complete with formal dress fit for a nightclub), a stocky woman seated on the heroine’s right side is shown making the hero her real business. Frequently she salivates looking at the raw hero, and is quite unable to wait for the arrival of properly cooked dinner.

Now this whole bit of creative Bollywood song parody will be more fun of you open the video in one browser window and the text in another window (press CTRL+T and paste the blog's URL in the address bar), re-size them on your screen and place them side by side, then derive maximum forbidden pleasure by watching the video and reading my text.

What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?
Right before you is my Hell, hey!
(Its a bait of) just one look from you
(But) its (also) a question of my life, aye! (not to mention my wife)
What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

My ‘kosher’ activities prosper because of you, dumb(o)
My life too is (going great guns) because of your (healthy) gums
[Repeat both lines]
Remain oblivious of your (labour) pain?
How could my heart be such a daredevil?
(It’s a bait of) just one look from you
(But) it’s (also) a question of my life, aye! (not to mention my wife)
What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

I have one eye on your beauty parlour (bills)
What more (back-)breaking news have you in the morning or past dinner time?
[Repeat both lines]
My (each flirtatious) evening is (spent inside) Just-a-Jew (night club)
My dawn is (an excuse for strange) thoughts
What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

Get inside my cardiac arteries and liver – 2X
Why should the distance of a (lustful) look remain?
Get inside my cardiac arteries and liver
Why should the distance of a (lustful) look remain?
Without you, (sweet) Ginnie Joe
This life is a banged up mama’s hell
What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?
Right before you is my hell, hey!
(Its a bait of) just one look from you
(But) its (also) a question of my life, aye! (not to mention my wife)
What shall I preach to you, Doll Rubber?

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Island Of Blondes

As a young boy l remember reading Gulliver’s Travels and swiftly getting mesmerized by the idea of Lilliputians. Life is much more than Treasure Island or other fairy tales. Since I never seriously contemplated lowering my anchor at an island inhabited entirely by ladies who wished to be my loving neighbours, the fruit of my patience has finally turned out to be exceedingly sweet. Conservative outlook is doomed because a Lithuanian company Olialia (pronounced ‘ooh-la-la’) now intends to create a holiday resort in the Maldives islands that will be run entirely by blondes.

Mankind’s obsession with blonde womankind is half as old as the sponsor of such schemes: Satan. Ever since man set foot on Earth, his attempts to turn the blue marble into a cheap copy of the promised heaven have turned many small rational steps into giant leaps of insanity. It is for the perfect insān (Arabic for man) that the scriptures promise pleasures in heaven but without revealing the colour of the tresses of heavenly maidens who will make the lives of some men immeasurably enjoyable. Heaven is reprieve from the torture chambers of hell. Or perhaps heaven is the death of death itself, lack of taxes, absence of credit cards, nonexistence of debt and an acute shortage of mobile phone ringtones. We shall not know the whole truth until we renounce all modern discomforts, meaning, fly away as a departed soul to the air headquarters for an interrogation session.

It is true; Olialia’s latest scheme to transform a part of the civilized world into virtual heaven by releasing hundreds of blondes on an island is already drowning men in huge waves of lust because the film industry always stereotypes blondes as ‘dumb’ creatures who wear stilettos, have strange hairstyles and invariably speak in high-pitched tones. The end is nigh, the Baltic blonde movement is upon us and the days of raven-haired beauties are almost over.

The ambitious blonde plan has already attracted criticism from the citizens of the island nation of Maldives, who condemned it as ‘racist and discriminatory since it excludes non-white Maldivians.’

The Maldives islands are truly a sight to behold in the Indian Ocean; never attempt to locate them on a map without the aid of a decent magnifying glass. En-route from Colombo, Sri Lanka, only once did I have the good fortune of staying overnight in the Maldives. As for the abilities of the pilots and their flying machines, their landing on a tiny island literally took my breath away. From a distance of a few kilometres on approach, the airport island looked like the deck of a naval aircraft carrier. By the time the airplane approached the touchdown point, I had hurriedly consumed all my ten nails as snacks. You see, on all four sides of the runway, I found what attracted hordes of tourists to that location: emerald green water.

The captain remarked jokingly, “Landing short, overshooting, or veering to the left or to the right of the short runway is not an option here. Who wants to become lunch for sharks?”

Emerging from the arrival lounge, I hired a sea-taxi whose captain did not want to know the name of a road but rather the island I wished to disembark at. It made perfect sense as various hotels were located on one or the other island. Later the same evening, as I poured the famous 1000 Islands dressing over the salad, I realized how important the Maldives were to vegetarians.

Local laws dictated that resorts in the Maldives hire at least fifty percent local staff. The natives were almost exclusively dark-skinned. My eyes never met with a single inactive blonde during the short stay there, and if there were any such creatures, they were busy scuba-diving with incredibly muscular lovers, or lazily getting at an undisclosed location all the sun their fair skins craved for. Going home with suntans was the thing, but having burnt myself once and feeling twice shy, I decided to remain true to my colour.

Olialia knows more than I do about the Maldives and that is why it is run and staffed by blonde women who conduct business in seventy-five sectors, such as computer software, food products and pop music. Had Debbie Harry’s pop band, Blondie, been alive today, they surely would have become richer in old age. The office environment of Olialia is enviable because the few dark-haired women who work there are surrounded by beautiful blondes—a grim situation that leads to the former colouring their hair quite blonde with grief. The girls there are all very smart; some have as many degrees as a thermometer. To the utter disappointment of the local flesh traders, all the blondes there wish to do something more business-like with their lives.

Maldivian criticism aside, Lithuania might be on the verge of contravening European Union job application and employment laws; the future of older men and women with grey hair is bleak. The company, however, says that ‘it does not discriminate and welcomes all applicants, no matter what their gender, age, or hair colour.’

It will be quite difficult to silence the critics who call Olialia’s marketing strategy sexist because it uses provocative images of blondes to sell products and reinforce negative stereotypes. There is truth in a brunette’s comment that ‘it is clear they are not selling the idea that blondes are clever, they are selling the idea that blondes are sexy, because their selling points are Baltic women and selling lust.’ The car bumper-stickers that read ‘California or bust’ will now display ‘The Baltics or lust’.

All of Olialia's products are advertised using images of attractive blonde women in impossibly intellectual situations, such as, glamorous high-heeled blonde scientists conducting strange laboratory experiments to make a cola drink, or a board meeting of blondes applying make-up while discussing corporate tactics. Since advertisers know the minds of men more than their own wives ever do, Olialia’s campaign—offensive or clownish as it might seem—appears to be working. The company expects double the profit this year since ‘most of the Lithuanians recognise the brand’. If this peculiar Baltic blonde movement means ‘liberation from stereotypes for blonde women’ I demand a blonde re-partition of the Indian sub-continent, a re-enactment of 1947 worthy of being televised on a hundred television channels that we won from windmills in pitched battles fought by a hillock called Enlightened Moderation.

In this land we close down our businesses to honour persons of national importance but in the Latvian capital Riga, a two-day blonde festival attempted to cheer up a country suffering from economic crisis. With a clueless Prime Minister and a loveless President running our show, the common man expects no such festival here. Since we are a ‘branded’ state, the learned bearded ones cannot possibly think along Baltic lines, however, the tired masses would not mind entertaining blonde thoughts in their most private black and white moments.

To spice up the occasion, the festival’s organiser, president of LAB (the Latvian Association of Blondes) included parties, a concert and a march of blonde women through Riga to prove that blondes can be independent and show initiative. We too had a march in our federal capital some years ago in which stick-wielding women wore black hijabs (lose outer garments) and niqabs (face-concealing garments) and wanted the rest of the women of the land to immediately become invisible by walking in their footsteps to revive the garments manufacturing industry.

Although the year of my retirement is far into the future, the blonde resort is scheduled to open by 2015. The project was officially unveiled at a party with—you guessed it—a blonde dress code in a nightclub. The over-excited reaction to such events of quite a few male tourists in Riga proved that female emancipation was never the thing that mattered. On a stag weekend, the police detained a young man because he stripped naked—courtesy of strong drinks—at a concert of blonde women in the Old Town. Although the Baltic blonde movement is designed to attract attention but it also has the potential of causing considerable damage to the region's dream of attracting sober tourists who feel repulsed by its unruly stag party image.

In short, the Lithuanian Olialia’s blonde scheme is a corporate reaction to the public jokes about Baltic blondes being less intelligent, and that is the reason they thought of creating a blonde business empire that intends to attract merrymakers by offering direct flights to the Maldives flown entirely by—get ready for this—blonde stewardesses and pilots.

What is a perfect gentleman to do now? I think I will discreetly whisper, without being suggestive, into the ear of my employer just one thing: host the next annual dinner at the proposed blonde island if you wish to boost employee morale and productivity.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

First Anniversary Blog

It did not start with the flutter of butterflies and the appearance of rainbows, the desire to create my own blog sprang up because of a threatening situation.

I will not repeat here what I have already written in the blog’s sidebar (see ‘400 Volts Jolt’) but suffice to say that facing the imminent danger of having years of my work vanish overnight, on the night of 16 October 2009 I began to copy all the material from a certain website (which remains damned, literally and in the fullest literary sense).

As I did this, another writer who openly criticised the exploitive policies of western governments saw his work wiped off the same website’s archives. The website had hit back without a warning—much as I expected it would—where it hurt that writer most but it failed to injure me because I pressed the ejection button at the correct time. I also stopped contributing at the same website in order to concentrate on getting my own blog up and running.

It took me two full weeks to copy all my work and within a few days I learnt all I could about blogging. With conviction in what I wrote and a decent following to further encourage me, the timing was perfect for jettisoning the used first stage and propelling all efforts beyond cyberspace’s blogosphere.

On 02 February 2010, after a few months of beta testing, I announced my blog to the public. 8,900 hits later and having spent one year in the blogosphere, my work lives on the blog, categorized under the following three headings:

1. Chowk articles (things I had written since September 2000)
2. Chowk blogs
3. Blogs you’ll only find HERE

The last category caters to original material not published elsewhere on the internet.

The first blog came out on 04 February 2010 and whose title was a twist on Oscar Wilde’s famous quote ("That awful thing, a woman's memory!”): That Wonderful Thing

Right after announcing the blog I headed for FaceBook which undoubtedly helped attract more readers, many of whom I found interested in reading text more than a line long.

Even today the pessimists ask, “So, what exactly have you achieved with your dark socio-political satire?”

Do I need to prove through statistics what I have achieved? Must I look at people’s faces for a reward? The pessimists do not bore me; it is the naive optimists who provide me with satirical thoughts. Only if a certain intelligence agency, whose motto it has unfortunately become, does not interfere globally with the whole truth, ‘the truth shall set you free’.

It feels great to maintain a mailing list through which I am able to inform keen readers about new articles on my blog. The old layout and colour scheme recently received a complete makeover; the blog now has RSS (‘really simple syndication’ through which one can know, via the browser, whenever new material gets added) and Google chat too.

‘Writer’s Block’ is a terrible disease that seems to afflict almost every literary person at least once in a lifetime but perhaps by the word block, I do not mean stop or hinder but rather a chopping board of ideas. The blog is a record of my time, of thoughts turned into digital ones and zeros. They may not outlive the Egyptian hieroglyphics in terms of longevity but they will live until the globalists decide to end our freedom of speech picnic in cyberspace.

So how does it feel after having done it for a whole year? Wonderful is one word that comes to my mind. My blog has also very kindly been listed under the esteemed category of Webblogs/Think Tank at

I wish to sincerely thank all my readers and helpful friends who still visit my blog to comment on issues, and suggest changes in a well-behaved manner. I hope that you will continue to enjoy what I love writing about in this space.


And now for the awards:

Most Visited And Commented Upon blog: Noah's Flood And The 9/11 Eid

Top Referring URL:

Top Referring Website: Facebook

Windows Users: 93%, Mac Users: 3%

Country That Most Reads My Blog is: USA (Pakistan is 2nd, England 3rd and India 4th)

Most Interesting Keyword Search: “what does TGH mean”

Saturday, 2 October 2010

How NOT To Breast-Feed Foreigners

Thanks to all the foreign aid flowing out of the pockets of western taxpayers and the spins the media conglomerates create, Democracy is steadily taking root, of all the places, in the Middle East. While bearded Arab men are happy wearing abayas (Arab dress) and darting nowhere in their customized sports cars, the ladies are unhappy being mere buyers of Gucci bags and French makeup paraphernalia; the latter now want driving licenses in a certain country that does not permit them to drive.

The women’s plan is very cute by Arab standards; they will launch a campaign under a novel slogan: "We must either be allowed to drive or breastfeed foreigners".

Breastfeed foreigners?—we have no such precedent in the entire human history, leave alone that of monotheistic religions. With the annual Muslim pilgrimage around the corner, the ladies could not have chosen a better time to press on with such a demand. For the clean-shaven rulers, it is a worrisome trend because such overt protests are unheard of in the ultra-orthodox Arab land.

Gulf News has already reported that ‘women intend to turn a controversial fatwa (religious ruling) to their advantage and launch a campaign to achieve their long-standing demand to drive in a conservative Muslim country whose name we shall not mention lest our hunting grounds lose monetary patronage of these oft-invited dignitaries.

“If our demand is not met, we’ll follow through the fatwa which allows us to breastfeed our drivers and turn them into our sons”, said a veiled woman.

A housewife commented, “Our decision follows a fatwa issued by a renowned scholar who said that ‘women can breastfeed their foreign drivers for them to become their sons’, and since every family here needs a driver, our campaign will focus on women's right to drive.”

Who issued this strange fatwa? It was a member of the council of senior scholars and an adviser to the ruler, who sparked this interesting debate. With such a controversial ruling emerging from under the Shaikh’s abaya, I do not see the man remain an advisor to the ruler for long.

The Shaikh said, “Our women can breastfeed their foreign drivers for them to be become their sons and brothers to their daughters. Women can breastfeed mature men so that they become their sons. In this way, they can mix with their daughters without violating the teachings of Islam.”

Nevertheless, what does it mean? As understood by the female population, under this all-new relationship, foreign drivers can mix freely with all members of a family without breaking the local rule, which does not allow mixing of genders. Breast milk kinship is considered to be as good as a blood relationship in Islam but never equal in status. Adopted sons can never usurp the rights of real sons, rules the Qur’an.

Interestingly, the Shaikh based his fatwa on a Hadith (saying) of the Prophet Mohammad (peace on him) which was narrated by Saleem, the servant of Abu Huzaifa. Later, the Shaikh clarified that his ‘fatwa was distorted by the local media which ignored the condition that the milk should be drawn out of the woman and given to the man in a cup to drink’.

“The fatwa is ridiculous and weird, and it has become a hot topic of debate among women. Is this is all that is left to us to do: to give our breasts to the foreign drivers?” said a number of local women speaking to Gulf News while condemning the fatwa.

Another woman questioned, "Does Islam allow me to breastfeed a foreign man and prevent me from driving my own car? I have not even breastfed my own children, how do you expect me to do this with a foreign man? What is this nonsense? The fatwa should also apply to the husbands who should be breastfed by housemaids. By doing so, all will be brothers and sisters.”

A female Arab writer sarcastically asked the Shaikh, "Can the women breastfeed the driver in the presence of their husbands or can they do this alone? Who will protect the wife if the husband entered the house unexpectedly and found his wife breastfeeding the driver?"

It all started when Dr. Izzat Attya who is the head of the department of Hadith in Al-Azhar, which is the world’s most prestigious Islamic University, issued a fatwa (religious opinion) which declared it 'legitimate for a working Muslim woman to breast-feed her male colleague to avoid the sin of khulwa (staying with a stranger in one room).’ Many shaikhs in Middle-Eastern countries have issued similar fatwas in the past by, but this is the first time it has come from a high-level academic of Al-Azhar.

However, there is more to the story, a journalist for an electronic newspaper recalled how an Egyptian driver got infatuated with a female teacher he drove to school daily and finally asked her to breastfeed him. When she retorted angrily, he said, "I want to be your son."

Since Shakespeare claimed ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’, one must never underestimate the wrath of repressed women. In the preceding paragraphs, we have read how they have mockingly challenged the so-called religious ruling. Handing out driving licenses to chained women might be wiser; having hungry hordes of male drivers at one’s doorsteps lining up to be bottle-fed with mother’s milk is the folly of the century.

After having read the ladies’ comments, I think I now need to retire as a satirist. These are dangerous times for the affluent inhabitants of Pakistan and India, and my advice is to examine all applicants for the domestic position of a chauffeur. Earlier, one needed to worry about their salaries, the food and accommodation, but now one might need to consider their craving for mother’s milk.

I believe hordes of jobless drivers from the Indo-Pakistan region will now begin to beg for cups full of adopted mothers’ milk and work permits since nobody told the poor old Shaikh that milk does not ooze from women’s breasts on men’s or the government’s demands. In any case, women have breasts placed on women’s bodies for the nourishment of infants; their being small or over-sized need not bother grown men. As a man, if you do not believe me, ask any infant who can speak. But then infants are clever little angels who remain mum over matters relating to breast-feeding mummies.

Sunday, 12 September 2010

Noah’s Flood And The 9/11 Eid

For some odd reason everyone spells it as ‘Eid’ but I prefer E’ed, just as I prefer spelling ‘Quaid-e-Azam’ as Qaid-e-Azam and ‘Haque’ as Haq. Spelling choices aside, I wish all the readers a very happy Eid.

Before I went to the mosque this E’ed morning, I sent nearly two hundred short messages through the mobile phone to all the relatives and friends. Thus far, I have received almost a hundred reciprocal greetings. Back in the old days, we bought E’ed cards for the near and dear ones, wrote inside the cards what we truly felt and went down to the post office to affix real stamps on the envelopes. Now everything is boringly instantaneous and digital. They claim digital is convenient but I say it is impersonal and most of what one does is destined for the computer’s recycle bin. Hence, when I delete all those E’ed messages sent to me, I cannot ever pull some nice cards out from the cupboard twenty years later and wonder how life was in 2010.

People seldom get creative with prayers so they sent me ‘showers of blessings’ and ‘unlimited bounties of God’. My original SMS to them was simple: "Have a sober E’ed. Too many blessings are a test". Actually, none of them saw in my message what I wished to convey and continued sending me tried and tested replies. The odd thing was that as I stepped into the shower, I could feel the spray of blessings—less the Bounty chocolates. On this E’ed, the Imam (prayer leader) for the E’ed prayers only asked the good Lord for forty-nine items; last year I counted sixty-five must-have things. I uttered a quiet ‘Aameen’ to most of his demands, and at some I smiled because God Almighty could not be expected to grant us world domination while we gleefully disobeyed His direct orders.

Nevertheless, really, is there festivity around us? Last night I drove down to the old city and noticed that the roads had a haunted look. Up until last year, one found it hard to move about due to late night traffic congestion—such would be the festive mood. The shoppers’ attendance at the malls was thin and perhaps the urban population, tired of giving to the flood victims, preferred staying indoors due to the fear of facing explosive terrorism at crowded places.

In addition, exactly nine years after American 9/11 (‘good for Israel’) happened, Muslims are celebrating E’ed on September 11. Some will mourn, the rest will rejoice, this is the way of the world. An American pastor is dilly-dallying whether he ought to publicly burn copies of the Qur’an to protest against 911 (actually, to enrage Muslims globally), while NATO soldiers in Afghanistan have killed Muslim protestors; such is the ebb and flow of Time. As for the recent flood in Pakistan, the citizens and the foreigners are quite tired of handing out aid because disaster after disaster follows us around.

A German friend asked, “I contributed one hundred Euros; what if you face the same situation next year and the year after that?”

I had no satisfactory answer to the pointed query; indeed our aid-fed government failed us five years ago when a massive earthquake shook Pakistan’s northern areas. The government did not rebuild, it gobbled up aid, it became a spectator to the irony of free aid items sold openly on the streets, and it did nothing to prepare us for the next jolt.

We have the flood now that has drowned out nearly half of Pakistan, destroying standing crops, separating children from parents, killing relentlessly, and causing millions to assume the status of displaced persons. I wonder if the media is really helping the situation with its neck-breaking headlines. The TV anchors, interruptive and loud as they are, seek opinions of the ignorant who utter a now familiar mantra: “Nobody from the government is here to help us!”

The government cannot survey and airdrop aid packets over such a large expanse of land unless it utilizes all its resources that are being utilized to serve Project American Wet Dream. I wonder what happened in the Mogul era. Did the rural folks send carrier pigeons with SOS messages tied to their feet or did they despatch fast horse riders to Delhi—the seat of power—to seek royal flood relief? No, nothing of the sort happened because after many months when the news probably reached the royal ears, the reagent regarded it as punishment meted out by the Hand of God to sinners; the most that he probably did for them was forego the agricultural tax for a year. And people fended for themselves or emigrated to get their lives back in shape.

In this age, our government requires a huge machinery to run—one that runs us over every step of the way to real progress. Members of provincial and national assemblies and senators with dubious educational qualifications need to be bottle fed with perquisites such as armed guards, bulletproof cars, protocol services, foreign tours, and free pilgrimage trips to the Holy land. Petty bickering, inter-departmental squabbling, idiotic participation in the G-WOE (America’s Global War of Error), and the inability to pass a single law with unanimity which might uplift the condition of the downtrodden, these are only some of the favourite things these men do non-stop for themselves at a great cost to the exchequer.

Is there a God Perspective to the flood? The destruction appears to be a repeat telecast of the pre-historic flood of Prophet Noah (Nuh). It is clear that sinners do not mean much to the Creator, and though we see their sobbing faces on the television day and night, let us see what might be their intentional and unintentional sins.

To begin with: murderous family feuds that span over decades; property disputes that feed the lengthy and costly legal system; committing ‘shirk’ (creating partners with God) by begging dead saints for help (this is the only sin that is marked out as ‘unpardonable by God’ in the Qur’an); never questioning those they help into offices; always voting the same looters into power; not moving together as a nation, and siding with the enemies of the country and religion. Have we missed something?

So how does God really see the violators? His Word is the command and let there be no doubt that the Word right now is: DESTROY. When the character of a nation fits into each abominable definition given in the Qur’an and it remains heedless and unrepentant, no matter how much one prays for the welfare of this Islamic state, God will do what He has promised the rebellious. To ask Him for the forgiveness of sinners attracts even more Wrath.

“How can that be?” you might ask. The Qur’an explains the entire moral lesson in the following verses from chapter 11:

(11:42) At that [moment] Noah cried out to a son of his, who had kept himself aloof [from the others]: "O my dear son! Embark with us, and remain not with those who deny the truth!"

(11:43) [But the son] answered: "I shall betake myself to a mountain that will protect me from the waters." Said [Noah]: "Today there is no protection [for anyone] from God's judgment, save [for] those who have earned [His] mercy!"
And a wave rose up between them, and [the son] was among those who were drowned.

(11:44) And the word was spoken: "O earth, swallow up thy waters! And, O sky, cease [thy rain]!" And the waters sank into the earth, and the will [of God] was done, and the ark came to rest on Mount Judi.
And the word was spoken: "Away with these evildoing folk!"

(11:45) And Noah called out to his Sustainer, and said: "O my Sustainer! Verily, my son was of my family; and, verily, Thy promise always comes true, and Thou art the most just of all judges!"

(11:46) [God] answered: "O Noah, behold, he was not of thy family, for, verily, he was unrighteous in his conduct. And thou shalt not ask of Me anything whereof thou canst not have any knowledge. Thus, behold, do I admonish thee lest thou become one of those who are unaware [of what is right].”

(11:47) Said [Noah]: "O my Sustainer! Verily, I seek refuge with Thee from [ever again] asking of Thee anything whereof I cannot have any knowledge! For unless Thou grant me forgiveness and bestow Thy mercy upon me, I shall be among the lost!"

There you have it, plain and simple from the Creator Himself! To expound upon in detail the entire moral lesson will require one more article on this site—something that I am better off postponing until the next ‘natural disaster’. Now, by quoting the above verses, I do not advocate that the rural majority be left alone to die helplessly; surely, there are innocent and pious people amongst them. The question now is not how do we understand God’s family planning move but rather how do we brace ourselves against repeated punishments?

Shall we ask the djinns, which the fake holy men claim they control, to build us dams and reservoirs overnight? Should we not repair and fortify our extensive irrigation system? Must all of us pay yet more taxes to the flooded folks—something that we did in the past to help East Pakistanis (now Bangladeshis)? Even Bangladesh has announced it will build more dams and reclaim land from the sea. India already has dozens of dams with their spillways pointed at us—just in case we refuse to watch Bollywood-meets-Hollywood movies.

Billions of tons of river water empties itself in the Indian Ocean each year during the monsoon season, how can we harness water to generate hydel power and also use it for humans and plants alike? We need huge foreign investment, which means more compound interest, more economic subjugation and gradual destruction. The real landholders in this country are the feudal families whose hold over the poor farmers has remained unchallenged ever since 1947. Many of these lustful families have destroyed their adversaries’ lands by diverting floodwaters to save their own palaces and cultivable areas. In addition, the foreign aid the politicians shamelessly seek in our name is actually the bribery of foreign governments who push their satanic agendas in regions they have no business being in. These and nothing else are the bitter facts.

Do I have a grand solution then, a Moses’ like strategy that liberates my people? Thinkers need not be confused with doers.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

A Face-Saving Light

Yes, it has been a while since I have posted a blog here; thinking takes time and effort.

This is the month of Ramadan (Muslims remain without food and water from before dawn until sunset) and with so much happening in the world, sometimes it is hard to pick the subject for a fresh blog. Hence, I do not face a writer’s block but only fatigue that requires rest. The Eid festival marks the end of the month long fasting, which is announced upon sighting the crescent for the Islamic month of Shawwal. For all religious events, Muslims follow the lunar calendar.

First came, the awful monsoon floods and all the destruction whose bill we all will be paying for the next few years. Then we saw the Sialkot killings of two young boys. And the cricket scandal in England in which Pakistani players were allegedly involved in shady deals. Just last night, multiple suicide attacks took place in Lahore and Karachi in which scores of Shi’a Muslims died or got injured while attending Ali ibn Abi Talib’s death anniversary. Considering the security situation, they all should have stayed home instead of publicly mourning the slaying of a great figure of Islam.

So what do we have here? One fifth of Pakistan is under water, the judicial system is in dire straits, our food chain is quite literally broken, flood-effected people are homeless, thousands are feared missing, out of frustration some are lynching others or attacking the custodians of law, suicide bombers are exploding themselves, doctors are getting themselves beaten up for professional negligence, and inflation is getting out of control. But do we not have broadband internet and FaceBook?

Does it not feel as if everybody wants to migrate to America? No, that is not true, no matter how much the ex-pats weep for their ex-compatriots; 170 million people still live here without having Green Cards. The end of the world is not around the corner and I tell the morose that despondency is never a problem-solver. Not crutches, but self-help is the answer; holding one’s proud head high is the solution. While the poor remain more patient and patriotic, the rich elites repeatedly sell them off to the lowest bidder.

And life goes on. Fashion show catwalks are alive with party animals, and a hundred TV channels continue spewing worthless breaking news. These news updates break peoples’ emotional backs because after sampling a dose, one feels like breaking open the skulls of the fast-talking presenters and those of the worthless commentators. Not much will be done, yet everything gets airplay for hours.

The mosques here are so full of the faithful these days, more so in the nights, because everyone is busy finding the elusive Night of Destiny (Laylat al-Qadr) during the last ten odd nights of Ramadan. The Qur’an claims in Chapter 97, verse 3: “The Night of Destiny is better than a thousand months” because messenger Muhammad (peace on him) received his first revelations through angel Gabriel.

At the cost of admitting personal failure, I have not found one such night. I asked a friend if he had found it and he admitted he had. Then he narrated a Ramadan night’s tale.

“I saw a strange beautiful light envelope me for a few minutes around dawn. It wasn’t the sun or the stars, just milky white light that nobody else saw. I went to a holy man later on and he confirmed that I had been blessed”, he claimed.

As I probed his mind regarding the effect the light might have had on his life and on those around him, he became irritable and lost all composure that one expected from an almost holy man. Soon thereafter, I left him alone, for he was a lost man who needed to find a truer night than the one that he claimed he had seen.

It is getting dark now and I must switch on the lights around the house; these will be energy-saving lights. I must work hard in my laboratory to soon invent face-saving lights.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Downsizing The Faithful

A renowned Pakistani English newspaper, for reasons best known to the editor, did NOT publish the following letter whose text I am reproducing here and whose title is: Downsizing The Faithful.

A prayer rug (musalla) is something that millions of Muslims use daily to offer prayers. Its ever-reducing dimensions worry me because in luxury hotels I encounter a 24”x36” size—fit only for little green men from planet Mars. Using this diminutive prayer rug, if one prostrates correctly, the feet stay out, and if one adjusts the feet, the forehead violates the boundaries. Moreover, in attempting to squeeze one’s entire body into the said dimensions makes one resemble a seated camel or a bag full of laundry.

The required ideal of being able to match one’s honesty of intention with the perfection in posture is so hard to achieve these days. Reproduced below are the Ahadith (sayings) of the messenger of Allah (peace on him) mentioned in Book 4, Hadīth 1002 of Sahih Muslim (also mentioned by Abu Awaanah, and Ibn Hibbaan):

“Maimuna reported: When the Apostle of Allah (peace on him) prostrated himself, if a lamb wanted to pass between his arms, it could pass.”

This explains how much space existed between his arms, as he prostrated, and the floor. Compare that space with the kind of miserly ‘sujood’ (prostration) we perform in our mosques because the Imams of the mosques force us to do so without correcting the situation.

In addition, in Book 4 (Sahih Muslim), Hadīth 997:
“Anas reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace on him) said: Observe moderation in prostration, and let none of you stretch out his forearms (on the ground) like a dog.”

At home, I am lucky to have a 25”x42” musalla that provides great tranquillity to my average frame. In many mosques, one finds carpets that indicate individual musalla size, but at prayer time—in an effort to squeeze Satan out of the rows of the faithful—men inconsiderately press against each other to render these markings meaningless. As a result, one finds it very difficult to raise one’s hands to pronounce the takbeer. Perhaps this is the reason we—unlike the rest of the world—love forming queues but only sideways. It seems that the musalla manufacturers calculate their profit margins carefully by downsizing us all and without considering an average Muslim’s dimensions.

Moreover, having patterns or pictures printed on a musalla is a distracting innovation (bidah). Now that five-star hotels have sprung up all around the Baitullah (House of Allah at Makkah), will we see hotel buildings or their logos on the prayer rugs of the future?

Before we forcibly turn the whole world into—well, just like ourselves—we need to get the size of the prayer rug correct by adhering to specified standards. The prayer rug needs to be of a comfortable size, neither too large nor very small, made out of decent materials (such as silk, wool, or cotton), and beautiful enough to make even a stone-hearted disbeliever fall down prostrate in praise of the Creator.

Sunday, 8 August 2010

Abrogation In The Qur'an

Great confusion exists in the minds of many Muslims regarding abrogation (Nasikh, Manssokh) of the verses of the Holy Qur’an, the final message from the Creator for mankind. Invariably, even the so-called educated class, casually admit during drawing room discussions that certain verses of the Qur’an stand cancelled or replaced by other verses. This amounts to inventing a lie against Allah! Let us see exactly which verse is at the heart of their misunderstanding.

While Ibn Arabi reduced such abrogated verses considerably, Suyuti brought them down to twenty-one, Shah Waliullah down to only five:

Cancelled 2: 180, replaced by 4: 11, 12
Cancelled 2:240, replaced by 2: 234.
Cancelled 8:65, replaced by 8: 62.
Cancelled 58: 12, replaced by 58: 13.

Now let us see what the Qur’an itself says in 2:106:
“Any message which, We annul or consign to oblivion We replace with a better or a similar ones. Dost thou not know that God has the power to will anything?”

Reproduced below is the commentary by Dr. Muhammad Asad for 2: 106, and which explains the problem with the misunderstood ‘doctrine of abrogation’ because today the unbelievers use it as a beating stick against the Muslims:

“The principal laid down in this passage—relating to the suppression of the Biblical dispensation by that of the Qur'an—has given rise to an erroneous interpretation by many Muslim theologians. The word ayah (‘message’) occurring in this context is also used to denote a ‘verse’ of the Qur'an (because every one of these verses contains a message). Taking this restricted meaning of the term ayah, some scholars conclude from the above passage that certain verses of the Qur'an have been ‘abrogated’ by God’s command before the revelation of Qur'an was completed. Apart from the fancifulness of this assertion—which calls to mind the image of a human author correcting, on second thought, the proofs of his manuscript deleting one passage and replacing it with another—there does not exist a single reliable Tradition to the effect that the Prophet ever declared a verse of the Qur'an to have been ‘abrogated’.

At the root of the so-called ‘doctrine of abrogation’ may lie the inability of some of the early Commentators to reconcile one Qur’anic passage with another: a difficulty which was overcome by declaring that one of the verses in question had been ‘abrogated’.

This arbitrary procedure explains also why there is no unanimity whatsoever among the upholders of the ‘doctrine of abrogation’ as to which, and how many, Qur'an-verses have been affected by it, and, furthermore, as to whether this alleged abrogation implies a total elimination of the verse in question from the context of the Qur'an, or only a cancellation of the specific ordinance or statement contains on it. In short, the ‘doctrine of abrogation’ has no basis whatsoever in historical fact, and must be rejected. On the other hand, the apparent difficulty in interpreting the above Qur'anic passage disappears immediately if the term ayah is understood, correctly, as ‘message’, and if we read this verse in conjunction with the preceding one, which states that the Jews and the Christians refuse to accept any revelation which might supersede that of the Bible; for, if read in this way, the abrogation relates to the earlier divine messages and not to any part of the Qur'an itself.”

Please carefully read what the Qur'an says about 'strong drinks and games of chance'.

The ayahs concerning drinking and usury came in two stages: initially as mild prohibitions (to make the unbelievers-turning-into-believers feel repulsed) and finally as firm commands (to make real believers want to give up the vices entirely). Indeed Allah knows that alcohol contains ‘some benefit’ for mankind but notice how drunkards allow themselves the benefit of the doubt (doubt and confusion within themselves) by misusing the merciful revelation to ruin their lungs or to look good amongst drinking buddies. As human beings we possess the potential to justify all our demands, and in this ability resides our TEST.

The changes or the annulments actually refer to entire revelations (Torah, Zaboor, Injeel), one following the other through God’s prophets and meant for different times and nations. Stoning to death was prescribed for scores of spiritual and social offences in the Old Testament but a lenient view was taken in the final revelation, the Qur’an, keeping in view mankind’s material and spiritual states.

May Allah have mercy on those who think He sits on the heavenly throne changing His mind or that He cancels ayahs (messages) midstream during revelation.

And in 35:43, Allah says:
Thus [it is]: no change wilt thou ever find in God's way (sunnah Allah); yea, no deviation wilt thou ever find in God's way!

Indeed Allah is neither like us, nor thinks or acts like us.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Anti-Militant Muslim Project: PREVENT

Just to make itself look grand in American eyes, Britain willingly teamed up with that government’s warmongers to benefit from G-WOE (global war of error) and to promote radicalization of Muslims. The Crown has now got its hands in a pie called Prevent, which is an anti-radicalisation campaign tailored to prevent Al Qaeda attacks on Her Majesty’s Indian origin family jewels.

The Prevent project, aimed mainly at Muslim communities, has justifiably been labelled Provoke. The officials are grappling to stifle the unrest generated by this programme among Muslim communities, through which it hopes to identify people vulnerable to recruitment by Al Qaeda-aligned death-dance groups.

The allegations of spying on Muslims could be true because Prevent is a multi-faceted project that uses many arms of the state including police, local government, teachers and youth workers to help neighbourhoods counter Al Qaeda’s anti-Western message. But then is not the West guilty of radicalising Muslim freedom fighters of Afghanistan and then promoting anti-East bias? Is it not out to destroy those it funded and created to break up the Soviet Union? Need it be considered strange behaviour if Al Qaeda is out to lash out against its former sponsors? Oddly enough, each party now wants the other destroyed.

Some have justifiably objected to the British government’s effort by commenting that ‘there is no point trying something as sensitive as Prevent before you’ve improved community cohesion, because the trust won’t be there’.

Many Muslim families are hesitant to join hands with the authorities for fear of ‘getting a police boot kicked through our door’. However, officials think the Muslims are being unnecessarily defensive and are, hence, fine-tuning the campaign to win the trust of more Muslims and to get communities to share their grass-roots understanding of the threats.

The National Association of Muslim Police, which represents more than 2,000 officers, complained that ‘Prevent has stigmatised Muslims and may have seriously damaged relations between the 1.8 million Muslims and the rest of the British population.’

Since hatred towards Muslims has grown to an illogical level, Prevent is an affront to British values—whatever they might be. It is said that Prevent focuses too much on Islamic extremism and not enough on threats from far right groups who have caused the Muslim communities to live in an atmosphere of siege. Because the British system has not made communities feel part of the British identity, people continue to live parallel lives.

Perhaps the Muslims need to speak up more against the satanic forces bent upon radicalising them. Fifty-two percent of Britons fear Britain stands deeply divided on religious lines; they are particularly worried about Islam compared with other faiths.

Problems and suspicions arise when civil servants trying to boost community relations also use the relationship to discuss a family’s worries about a pro-Al Qaeda son. Prevent Director Debbie Gupta told Royal United Services Institute think tank, “There is great confusion about Prevent’s link to wider efforts to strengthen Muslim communities. Prevent spying is a myth. Prevent is focused on Muslims because that is where Al Qaeda’s focus is. They deploy their distorted version of Islam onto Muslims.”

All sensible Britons fear Prevent and they are not entirely wrong in interpreting it as spying. If you have seen the film Minority Report, you will recall how the authorities loved tracking down people by prying into their lives and arresting them prior to committing alleged crimes. George Orwell’s soul would now be in great distress watching his country turn into the dreaded Big Brother—a concept created in his fictional novel ‘1984’ which he wrote in 1949.

It appears that a universal law will soon be passed that will punish Muslims for merely thinking about their own state of affairs reached through systematic economic subjugation and physical destruction. Hollywood proposes and the American government disposes; the rest of the nations merely queue up for this big business called war; those who stand up to protest are labelled terrorists or rogue states.

Catholics and Protestants have had many shooting matches and bombing sprees in Ireland but nobody blamed Jesus or the Bible. Now consider the case of Muslims: Danish newspapers have repeatedly printed insulting cartoons of the Messenger of God and loads of books have been written against Islam and the Qur’an to further antagonize and radicalize Muslims globally. But why?—most thinking Muslims already know why. Complete submission to His Will is the answer to our problems, as promised by God. After the sad demise of godless Soviet Communism, Islam is the only system left that the satanic forces perceive as a global threat.

Wars profit those who make and sell weapons of mass destruction to both the sides in a conflict. We live in times of global provocation and sponsored instability. Human beings will not sail smoothly in a boat called Global Peace, unless the cowards stop dropping bombs on the innocent from 35,000 feet using drone aircrafts or chasing after genies they released from sealed bottles.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

MQM Renames Places And Animals

Whenever a new Pharaoh ascended the Egyptian throne, one of the first things he did as the Sun god was erase the names of previous Pharaohs off important stone structures and have his own engraved instead. Many Pharaohs fooled the Egyptians but none hoodwinked the gods.

That was Egypt; welcome to Karachi’s MQM era. Karachi Saddar’s TMA (Town Municipal Administration) recently decided to replace the names of the colonial era names of roads and streets located in the city with those of MQM workers killed in bomb blasts, target killings and shooting matches with rival political parties. Let there be no doubt that the MQM (Muttahida Qaumi Movement) is well-supplied with martyrs to the cause of speaking Urdu with great clarity.

Considering that Pakistani authorities always resort to naming everything in sight using just three names (Jinnah, Fatima and Liaqat), the MQM has shown that as a party it has more than three brain cells in its political head. Up north in the Punjab, Nawaz Sharif or his chief minister brother have not copied the MQM’s idea since none of their workers died for them or for their novel Muslim League (N). There exists the real danger of other political parties competing with the MQM to relocate their party headquarters to war-torn Karachiland, a move that could bring in scores of heaven-bound martyrs to their earthly causes.

Karachi’s Town Naib Nazim, Muhammad Nisar Khan Temuri, disclosed that the Saddar TMA has changed 400 names during the last four years. That is one change every three days, and at this speed, I am afraid the MQM’s bespectacled founder might inspire them through the telephone to change Karachi’s name to Altafabad. If they are not careful in the city, the name-change plague could also spread to other provinces of the Land of the almost-Pure.

The administration announced changing the names of eleven locations in Saddar alone, and very kindly, it issued a public notice asking the people to submit objections or suggestions within a fortnight, against or in favour of the new names.

The names of two parks, a cricket stadium, a roundabout and a road will now be named after Muhammad Khaleel Shaheed, a former MQM Nazim, who died in a blast outside the Jinnah Postgraduate Medical Centre emergency ward.

Although the notice refers to ‘the powers vested under Subsection 7 of Section 52 of the Sindh Local Government Ordinance, 1979’, former Karachi Nazim Niamatullah Khan opposed the name-change move and said ‘the MQM is making a fake claim since nobody can change the historical names of places, streets and roads.’

Temuri countered, “It is not a matter of powers vested under the ordinance; we issued the public notice as a formality, otherwise we can simply change the name without asking anyone. Whoever came into power in the past did the same thing, and if our administration has done it, it’s not a major problem. Nobody questioned the Pakistan Peoples’ Party (PPP) when they changed the name of Kharkar Chowrangi to Bilawal Chorangi. What has Bilawal done, except that he is the son of President Asif Ali Zardari? So what is the problem if we change the names of places and roads too?”

Leave the MQM’s cause alone for a while and focus on the clever Bilawal factor. May I too ask Bilawal’s father and Pakistan’s President, Asif Ali Zardari, what has his son done for Pakistan? Or more appropriately, what will he be capable of doing once he grows up—considering he has inherited from his father the tradition of serving the Fatherland in ways unknown to the entire nation?

Sadly, Temuri also justified MQM’s name-change plan by claiming that ‘most of the sites are from the pre-Partition era and were named after Hindu leaders of that time.’

Who is this Chatumal? Does anybody know him now and is it better to replace such names with the names of dead political party workers? As it turns out, the Chatumal Road in Garden was named after the famous philanthropist and politician of the city, Sobhraj Chatumal, who built a maternity hospital and several other welfare organisations in the late 1920s.

Elder residents of the area in question defended by insisting that ‘the compound, comprising of twelve houses, is over a century old and it was built by two brothers Chela Ram and Chhela Ram. One built the residential compound, while the other built the Usmanabad compound. The name shouldn’t be changed.’

Let us see now. Muhammad Khaleel Shaheed’s name will replace the names of Street 6 Park, UC-11, Block 2, Clifton; Cricket Stadium UC10, Block 5, Clifton; Gulshan-e-Faisal Roundabout, Block 7, UC-10, Bath Island; Albert Road, UC-9, Clifton and Bukhari Park, Block 7, UC-10, Clifton. In addition, Preet Road in Garden will be rename Arif Shabeer Road; Chatumal Road in Garden to Imran Hussain Shaheed Road; Hard Davis Road in Garden to Yaseen Chipa Shaheed Road, Chela Ram Compound in Garden to Musheeruddin Shaheed Street, Sotara Street in UC-5 in Nanak Wara to Haji Zafar Shaheed Street and a service road in Clifton Block 8 to AW Adamjee Road.

In the past, many sites were given new names but the citizens did not adapt to the changes and continued using the old names such as Geedar Colony in Landhi Town (now renamed Muzzafarabad Colony) and I.I. Chundrigar Road (previously McLeod Road).

What the MQM leadership does not realize is that the pre-partition non-Muslims did things for humanity, and not just for those who belonged to their caste or a clan that spoke a certain language. MQM is a personality cult meant for Urdu speakers and as such, their attempt at using their dead for the renaming campaign insults those who did greater things for the good of the common man. Justifiably, the residents of Chela Ram Compound located in Garden area said they ‘would not accept this move’.

In order to jump into a new bottle, the MQM itself changed its wine’s name from the original Muhajir Qaumi Movement to the politically appealing Mutahidda Qaumi Movement. They have at last realized that not everyone here is an Urdu-speaking immigrant who crossed over from India in 1947 when the colonialists divided the land and its people.

If we must change names, efforts must be made to reveal the pre-British Raj names so that we may step back in time without the aid of a fictional time-tunnel. We are a resilient nation and are now ready to withstand the shock of seeing everything in sight named after one Arab conqueror: Muhammad bin Qasim.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Five-Star Prison

Norway is a nice place where nothing worth remembering ever happens. I have been to Oslo many times; the taxis there are very expensive and men from my own country run the entire system of public transportation. One a recent trip, one such man occupying the driver’s seat spoke with me.

“I’ve been here for thirty years now. With God’s grace, it’s been a peaceful stay and I can’t remember anything nasty ever happening here. Anyway, so what’s happening in Pakistan these days?”

“Oh, the usual protests over blasphemous cartoons, burning of American and Israeli flags in major cities and a few suicidal attacks by foreign guests who appeared wearing explosive dinner jackets”, I updated him.

He slowed down a bit as if suffering from sensory overload, analyzing while twisting his moustaches nervously, not in a mood to hear any more breaking news that broke his tender heart at age sixty.

“So, what’s with this Norwegian luxury prison?” I broke the silence.

“Norwegian prison bosses are ready to inaugurate the world’s most luxurious jail. It will have a host of facilities such as flat screen TVs, a recording studio for bathroom singers, and Banksy style murals. The £160 million prison, near Oslo, Norway, will allow 252 inmates a single en suite cell with its own bathroom and windows without bars inside the ‘maximum security’ compound. The authorities here have spent more than £1 million on modern art, and even provided prisoners with climbing walls,” he elaborated.

That was a buffet for thought. By contrast, our rulers, who have successfully turned the entire Islamic republic into an American prison, complete with barbed wires, dangerous road obstructions, security checks and what have you, will never understand this luxury prison concept.

The security agencies here claim repeatedly, “This is for your own safety”.

But how much is safe enough? When will that day dawn when the world will be free of those giant green bugs from planet Mars whose sole mission in life is to destroy the America way of life?

I thought of the forever-smiling man in-charge of my country who, while languishing in Karachi’s jail, never enjoyed what Norwegian criminals will soon be able to. But that is Europe; this is Pakistan. There men of honour resign at the slightest hint of misdemeanour or misappropriation; here they do not know what the word resign means.

Now, if the Europeans treat their criminals so humanely, imagine what they will do next to law-abiding citizens.

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Sitting All Day

Abusing someone vocally or in writing is almost as bad as killing someone physically. If the abusers on Chowq were given a chance, they would love to kill those who justifiably oppose their poisoned tongues and pens. The shameless management (unapologetic to the core) of Chowq and its group of 'poor minorities' need to stop using this yubb-site to make Islam look bad.

In condemning state-sponsored terror, I condemn entire governments (both Muslim and Western) and their overt and covert organizations for spreading evil.

And I side with the good, although evil has so much appeal. To expect me to sit all day and condemn this or that means that I must behave like the corrupt politicians who do the same. They dish out money (loans from IMF-WB) to the victims. Is that the solution? No, that is 'shut up-WE-did-it-to-you' blood-money!

I did enquire from several friends (from the minority group) whose members were killed yesterday. May the killers and the killed be judged by God.

The rot is too deep as a dozen agencies out here are serving mankind this poisonous drink of terrorism and security. It is like a bowl of spaghetti, with each end tied to another one. The people are weak as they do not have the police or the Army to defend them. The rulers have mastered the art of using all means to crush those they rule. But there is hope; there always must be.

Global organizations have not stopped wars but only promoted colonial agendas and perpetuated greater evil. Peace is an illusion, a Hollywood dream that people think is within their grasp.

Why must someone's bad stomach in Washington ruin my life in the East? But that is the way it is designed, with the 'right' technology to make our lives more miserable. Whatever evil took years to accomplish can now take only a few seconds to achieve.

May the destroyers of good be wiped off the face of the Earth by the Hand of God. The evil is too great to be handled alone.


Thursday, 27 May 2010

Chowk: This Site is Restricted

And moreover, Dr Safwan Shah and Chowq ed-eaters, do read all my old blogs on Chowq that uncover your yubb-site's highhandedness, insults hurled at Muslims (through your minions) and unfair bans unleashed on those who justifiably protested. But your cyberspace Guantanamo will fail and your water-boarding will always remain distasteful.

Dr Shah, show me just one blog or interact where I abused others' gods and I will show you a million places where your e-tribe wilfully hurt the feelings of those who worship God and bow down before Him alone. You may have given up your faith living in the kingdom of the crystal skull but we haven't in the land of the pure.

As for the rest of the silent readers who felt hurt, and the mild protestors who felt deep down they were with me but somehow abandoned me because it was declared fashionable by a few rebellious Chowq devils, I congratulate all of you. The PTA (Pakistan Telecommunication Authority), that small ant has struck back with a ‘This Site is Restricted’ move.

Dr Shah, Chowq is your mad elephant and you have always acted like Abraha all along, and may God's own little birds level your unblessed e-commerce. Truly, Chowq deserves a complete ban in Pakistan, and owes all the Muslims an unconditional apology for having done tremendous wrong for years on end.

If you find that my original blog has been removed from Chowq, you are at the right space reading it: here!

And home is where I hang my hat and lay down my bullwhip. If you do not mind, I am tired now and need some rest.

Chowk Insults The Prophet

PTA has established a Crisis Cell to monitor all such contents. PTA’s helpline toll free number 0800-55055 and email can be used to notify all similar URLs where such objectionable material is placed.

Khurram A. Mehran, Director (PR)


Here is an example of Chowk's freedom of foul speech and zero tolerance for good sense. I request all sensible people to call or email the PTA regarding the anti-Islam filth posted at

The following is the latest insult ot all Muslims, despite my repeated requests and warnings to Chowk staff:

#28 Posted by PedoProphet02 on May 23, 2010 9:29:28 am

"Slave-Hussaini, I had a vision about Prophet last night - An Arab looking man in the town of Macca, hair full of lice with a sword in his right hand and an erect penus oozing scum in the left hand; dead men/boys on the ground; him tilling girls and women while offering peace (Salam) to people with an option either to choose sword or penis for the purpose. A bunch of slave girls/womem and boys behind his soldiers being dragged like camels. Do you think it was a good dream or bad?"

Friday, 21 May 2010

Cyber Bans

Cyber terrorism originating from the US and Europe must stop. I recall having McAfee Anti-Virus on my computer and watching with horror, a world map of the sources of such malicious attacks; they came from the so-called centres of the 'New World' and the 'civilized advanced nations' in our direction. Is there a law in place to protect us from these monsters?

Many talk-show hosts, stand-up comedians and their fans love insulting God, His books and the prophets he sent for our guidance. Non-sense must be stopped; freedom of speech does not mean THIS!

It is appalling how those who earlier felt quite amused by the abuse hurled at what is dear to Muslims are now bemoaning the recent FaceBook debacle.

Shameless indeed are those who do not hold owners of such websites responsible for the filth they allow to be published against Muslims. The Pakistan Telecommunication Authority (PTA) knows it all too and has asked the ISPs to block many offensive websites, and perhaps soon the High Court will 'do more' for our saviours in Washing-ton.

Please read '440 Volts Jolt' in the sidebar; my profile says it all. We need to openly condemn all turncoats, collaborators and traitors amongst us and elsewhere whose mission in life is to create unrest leading to wars. The world will not come to an end if there is no FaceBook, Wikipedia, Twitter or YouTube.

Each Muslim who prays sends out an SMS to every other Muslim. Let us see how satanic technology can block this!


WASHINGTON: An American cartoonist whose work inspired the controversial “Everybody Draw Muhammed Page” on Facebook has condemned the effort and issued an apology to Muslims. Molly Norris, of Seattle, drew a cartoon in April to protest the decision by the US television channel Comedy Central to cancel an episode of the popular show “South Park” over its depiction of the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH).

In her cartoon, Norris satirically proposed May 20 as an “Everybody Draw Muhammed Day”.

“I apologise to Muslims and ask that this ‘day’ be called off,” the American cartoonist said.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Bollywood Song Parodies By Tahir Gul Hasan

Dear music lovers:

It all started with great innocence and soon developed into something very lethal.

First the Press Trust Of India noticed what I was doing to their Bollywood songs. Then came along India's CATCH NEWS e-zine which covered my parodies with an article titled: New twist to old Bollywood songs, courtesy an ardent Pakistani fan. On both occasions, it was journalist Lamat R Hasan who spread the good news.

So here it is, all of the songs in one blog along with their web links.



28) What Shall I Preach To You, Doll Rubber?
27) Ranch, Love-Gum, Woes

26) From Behind Your (Fake) Eyelashes

25) Shall I Kill Thee Or What?

24) O Hidden One (Under My Bed), Appear Before Me!

23) I Earn Abundantly But The Earnings Go Under

22) Eena, Meena, Deeka

21) This Is Not A ChooRhi (Sweeperess)

20) Can't You Hug Her?

19) The Job Of The Broken Porcelain) Dil(do)

18) Come Here To My Hot Zoo

17) The Poppy Scorpion's Singer Mounted Me!

16) I Swear Upon The Shame(ful) Gum

15) I'm Paula Abdul's Lyricist

14) From Your (Moulin Rouge) World

13) That Love-Gum Of Yours Was Just An X-cuse

12) It Doesn't Matter If You Don't Play (Doc-Doc) With Me

11) (Hey Babe) The French Letters That I Wrote To You

10) My Foe, May You Thirst For My (Pen-prick)Friendship

9) Is That Not Him?

8) Feeling Helpless, She May Have Chosen To Forget Me

7) That Thing Which Is In You (Ooh...Babe)

6) What Have You Promised Me (O Mother Of 13 Royal Ones)?

5) Let The Flowers Touch Your Feet (Baby, Baby, Baby!)

4) My Eyes Became Tearful As I Thought Of You (Baby, Baby...)

3) Let Both Of Us Become Strangers Once Again

2) What Came To Your Mind, O Creator Of The World?

1) If I'm Separated From You

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Being Economically Dressed In Ukraine

The West always oppresses and taunts Muslim women for covering their faces and sometimes, entire bodies. They obviously never look at modestly dressed Christian nuns; such are the snide moves that the secularists make—not that I advocate that awful full-body battle apparel called ‘Burqa’.

Our women can and do protest but mostly in their feminine hearts. By contrast, the liberated Western women expose themselves to their admirers to sometimes launch completely or partially nude protests in full view of the public. Let us not call their condition ‘nude’ but rather one where they are very economically clad—thanks to this itch to unclothe due to global warming. Their unhappy exposure appears to have some link with the climate change that we are told is taking place all around Al Gore and his pseudo science thugs.

Ukraine is a great country—it is unfortunate that comedian Borat only spanks Kazakistan in his comedy shows (watch his movie: ‘Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan’). So what wrong did Ukraine do? They did this. Four young women—very economically dressed from the waist up—forcefully moved into a Ukrainian polling station to hold an unruly protest just before a candidate in the country’s presidential election cast his ballot there. One can imagine the effect that might have had on the poor male voters lined up to—of all the things—push a piece of paper into a barren ballot box.

Photographers are lucky people by a poor deprived person’s standards. An AFP photographer saw the women, members of a small feminist group called ‘Femen’ known for staging eye-catching protests, being hustled out of the Kiev polling station by security guards (let us call them ‘Naked Fight Coordinators’) before candidate Viktor Yanukovich showed up to vote. And poor Viktor Yanukovich missed the entire flesh exposure. I think he might have rejoiced in the fact that it does not matter who castes the votes, what matters is who counts them.

“Enough raping our democracy!” shouted the protesters, who held signs with slogans such as ‘Help! Rape!’ and wore nothing except for jeans and strips of green electrical tape.

Whether pasting green electrical tape on one’s chest or being a Greenpeace activist, anything green is considered good these days—now that the politicians have run out of promises.

When Ukrainian women are so open about politics, one need not worry about the silent men. The women told reporters they were protesting ‘the end of democracy’ in Ukraine and not specifically against Yanukovich or in favour of his rival, Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko. We are not told what the men said about the demise of democracy.

Femen, whose members are mostly university students, attracted international attention last summer when it held a protest against Ukraine’s sex tourism trade where activists picketed in central Kiev wearing bras and panties.

If taking one’s clothes off as part of public protest is what they call true democracy and freedom of speech, Pakistan’s debauched elites would love to listen to overt American suggestions while ignoring the calls of all bearded and veiled tyrants.

Bras and panties cover, they hold things together nicely. The reason why Russia broke up into many small countries is that they ran out of red bras and panties that previously held together the Communist political system of the same colour.